"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."

~Robert Frost

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

It's ok, it's so nice!

This morning at 8:30, I was running through sprinklers in the backyard with my three favorite girls. What bliss! I love spring, really I do, but the constant hormonal weather changes get to me. When the thermometer reaches 80 degrees like it has been this week, and the skies are clear and I know that it won't be raining or hailing or just plain freezing cold five minutes from now, something inside me starts a happy dance that lasts all summer! 

Must shriek and run from the water!


There are no pictures of me, because a sprinkler soaked, 5 months pregnant lady doesn't make for a pretty picture. ;) Later, though, when we were all dry (fyi, blowing approximately 7,853 bubbles while your daughters race around in the sunshine to pop them all seems to dry out soggy sundresses effectively!), Ashley asked for a picture of all four of us, and we got a cute one:

I just trimmed Bethany's bangs two days ago and I PROMISE they are not actually jagged and uneven the way they look here! Honestly!
Afternoon popsicles on the front porch, chalk flowers and balloons drawn all over the driveway. Watering the flowers that we planted yesterday, and catching my little Hannah whispering words of encouragement to them..."Look at the sunshine, pretty flowers! It likes to see your faces, and it will help you grow!" Fresh pink toenail polish on little toes that wiggle a tiny bit even when they're trying so hard to hold still, and princesses in pajamas dancing with each other before bed. Beautiful moments, beautiful life!


"It's ok, it's so nice! Just another day in paradise
There's no place that I'd rather be!
It's two hearts, and one dream
I wouldn't trade it for anything
And I ask the Lord, every night,
for just another day in paradise!"
~Phil Vassar

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Of being strong enough.

I am sleeping upstairs on the couch tonight so that I can hear my little ones better, because last night was rough. Lots of up and down trips to cuddle sad little girls with tummy aches, to help them back to bed after they threw up, or to clean up for them when they didn't make it out of bed in time in the first place. So tonight I will not even start the night downstairs in my own bed, I just tuck my pregnant self under a blanket on the couch and remind myself of all the nights that my mother did the same for me. 

And it is another restless night. And I wish my husband was home this week, instead of on the opposite side of the country. If he were here, even if he slept through all the girls' troubles, he would pull me close every time I lay back down, and I would feel stronger in his arms. But he isn't here, and I don't feel strong, and when the cries wake me up again at 4 am, there is a moment of despair, a moment of complete exhaustion.

Then the tiny one inside me moves, as restless as we all are tonight, and my soul remembers that I am a mother. That I don't have to be strong to be the mother my children need tonight, I just have to love them.

So I go to her, the hurting daughter whose cries have woken me again, and I love her. I hold her, and whisper to her, and she clings to me and whispers back to me. Broken whispers that tell of pain and trust and love, as her tears wet my shoulder and I stroke her hair.

Through the years I feel myself the child again, crying into my mother's shoulder in the night and knowing that as long as she was holding me, I would be okay. And I realize this -- that no matter how tired, how broken, how weak I feel, love makes me strong enough to be the mother my daughter needs right now.